Guidelines for Living With LOTR and POTC
by lindsey and marie enterprises
Summary: Lucy has decided to leave some rules for people to follow in case they wind up in similar situations as her and May.  By Lindsey  ON HIATUS!
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note: Yo, yo, yiggity yo! Lindsey here! Well, I've done it! I have created my own set of guidelines with help from Marie! Enjoy and prepare for hilarity!**_

**Guidelines for Living With LOTR/POTC**

Lucy here! I decided that, should anyone else get sucked into the world of POTC or LOTR, I would find a way to leave these guidelines to help him or her. Now, I give them to you. Enjoy!

Goes along with SBO (Sexy Beastie OVERLOAD!)

Rule #1. Do not, under ANY circumstances, try to explain why the rum is always gone to Jack.

(Jack won't get the many allusions you may or may not use.)

Rule #2. Never let Legolas meet Will Turner.

(If you can't understand why, I won't bother explaining. Just wait here while we call the doctor.)

Rule #3. Always let the pirates know if you are PMSing.

(Trust me, it's need-to-know info, and they need to know!)

Rule #4. Don't sing "The Lazy Song" at a volume so that everyone in Minas Tirith can hear you!

(May!)

Rule #5. In conjunction with the above rule, NEVER explain to Legolas what a birthday suit is!

(According to May, he screams like a little girl.)

(Blackmail material!)

Rule #6. When having a karaoke night, it is always best that the others don't understand half of what they are singing.

(This way, May and I can laugh our butts off, and only we will get the joke!)

Rule #7. Don't start randomly quoting things from either LOTR or POTC. They will wonder how you know all that when you weren't even there.

*I.e. "Nobody move! I dropped me brain."

"What do they eat when they can't get Hobbit?"

"Where is that monkey? I want to shoot something!"

"It's the Dwarves that go swimming with little hairy women!"

(May got some particularly odd looks at that one, especially from Gimli. Turns out, he doesn't lose his memory when he's drunk.)

Rule #8. Please, for the love of all that's holy, DO NOT start singing "The Ultimate Showdown" around either set of characters!

(For your sanity and mine, just don't even attempt it!)

Rule #9. If you accidentally slip up and start using language from the real world, don't try to explain it. We put the continuity in enough jeopardy introducing the pirates to the LOTR cast and by having a karaoke night!

Rule #10. Do not quote any movies PERIOD!

(I won't even bother with a caption for this one.)

Rule #11. Never give the Hobbits rum.

(I nearly killed Jack when I found out.)

(They were unconscious for two days!)

Rule #12. Don't make any references to the real world.

(Not only will they not get them, but they will start asking questions, most of them awkward.)

Rule #13. Never call the Hobbits "midgets."

(Hobbits can hit very hard when they are offended.)

(So can Marty.)

Rule #14. Don't sing the Literal _Pirates of the Caribbean _song by Toby Turner unless you're alone.

(Jack wouldn't talk to me for a full day.)

(I finally got him to come around by singing "My Jolly Sailor Bold.")

(Well, I didn't sing the bit that mentioned a sailor named William.)

Rule #15. Make sure to let Jack know when your birthday is.

(He feels like he let you down if he misses it.)

(Plus, he loves to give very extravagant gifts.)

(Hey, for our wedding, I got a flipping piano! Inlaid with gold!)

Rule #16. Don't let Gimli or Legolas challenge Jack to a drinking game.

(Gimli will lose.)

(I will let you guess for the other one.)

Rule #17. Never ask Legolas to teach you archery.

(His teaching methods involve sticking you out in the field with a target and him saying, "Fire.")

Rule #18. Make sure to ask Jack, not anyone else, to teach you to sword fight.

(Not only will he get offended, but he's actually the best teacher on the whole ship.)

Rule #19. Never try to do Legolas' hair.

(I had to help May extract her fingers.)

(Turns out, Elves can only do their own hair.)

Rule #20. Never try to do Jack's hair.

(…It's dreadlocks, what're you gonna do?)

Rule #21. Don't mention the term "mixed drinks" to Gimli.

(He tried making a Bloody Mary for days.)

(His attempts were disgusting.)

(He finally ran out of peppers.)

Rule #22. When in an argument with Frodo, never say, "Don't get short with me, Frodo!"

(Frodo has a very sad puppy-dog face.)

(Me and May nearly started crying when we saw his face…until he busted out laughing.)

(Legolas and Jack had to hold us back to keep us from tackling him!)

Rule #23. Never ask jack if he wants to play Slapjack.

(He ran away screaming about bloody wenches.)

(I immediately started laughing, but it took May a moment.)(Hey, she's the _Lord of the Rings _freak, I'm the _Pirates _freak!)

Rule #24. Do not use creative replacements for expletives.

(Everyone was very confused when May said, "I hurt my Frootlooping finger!")

(She also once said, "Ow, that hurt like a moofoo!)

(I have been caught saying, "Holy Cheez-it!")

(Needless to say, questions and strange looks were directed at us.)

Rule #25. Make no references to the LOTR books.

(Since we are in movie-verse, Tom Bombadil doesn't exist, May!)

(_What? NOOOOO!_)


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note: More guidelines! Woot woot! Sorry it took so long, but coming up with these things is HARD!**_

Rule #26. Don't mention Peter Jackson's arachnophobia.

(Not only will they ask who Peter is, but they will also ask about arachnophobia.)

(And you will find out Frodo also has this problem…especially with large spiders.)

Rule #27. Do not start singing a drinking song around Merry and Pippin.

(…Do I even need to explain about this one, people?)

Rule #28. Don't let Mr. Gibbs speak about his superstitions.

(Especially the ones concerning women.)

(Eowyn slapped him across the face after a few of them.)

Rule #29. Do not start singing the song "John Williams is the Man."

(Everyone thought it was entertaining…until the last bit.)

(JOHN WILLIAMS IS THE MAN!)

(Legolas and Jack gave May and me some very confused and hurt looks. When they realized we weren't serious, they got mad.)

(He really is the man, though, so THERE!)

Rule #30. Never explain to Jack about Bloody Mary.

(Mysteriously, every mirror on the _Black Pearl_ and in Minas Tirith disappeared within the week.)

(We later found out Jack had thrown them off a cliff.)

(Gibbs really let him have it with the bad luck speech then.)

Rule #31. Never hide Jack's rum.

(He was fine for an hour. The he started suffering from withdrawal.)

(By the end of the day, he was rocking in the corner of the cabin with his thumb in his mouth.)

(Once again, blackmail material!)

Rule #32. Do not yell out randomly, "Blaahh, I am a kraken from the sea!"

(Poor Jack…in case you haven't noticed, I enjoy torturing my husband.)

(Love you, honey!)

Rule #33. Do not sneak up behind Legolas and whisper, "I know what you did last summer."

(May, that was _not _a good idea!)

(His response?)

("I-I-that thing with the chambermaid never happened!")

(Ooh, May was mad! I'm talking "You're sleeping with Arod for a week!" mad.)

Rule #34. Never ask Jack how many women he was with before he married me.

("I lost count after forty.")

("Jack, you're sleeping with Pintel and Ragetti for a week!")

(By the second night, he was on his knees saying, "Please, I'd rather go back to the Locker than sleep with them again!")

Rule #35. Don't have Legolas and Jack have a contest to see who is better.

(They were pretty evenly matched…until the archery contest came.)

(Jack cheated. The idiot pulled out his pistol!)

(…still hit the bullseye, though…)

**_A./N.: If anyone has any ideas for more guidelines, please either submit them in reviews or PM me ASAP! Btw, we accept anonymous reviews, but please make up a name so that we can congratulate you for your guidelines!_**


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